Stay With Me
by whatshapeofinsanity
Summary: Summary : Aaron Livesy and Robert Sugden have a dangerous secret. Written on 2nd December from spoilers. Without seeing anything on screen yet. Not sure if it will be continued. Reviews welcome.
1. Chapter 1

Title : Stay With Me – Flaws (Part one and two)

I didn't mean for it to happen. It came completely out of nowhere but once it had me, I couldn't walk away.

I wanted to.

I said over and over that I wasn't gonna be someone's dirty little secret and yet here we were again. Completely out of my comfort zone. Completely sucked in and not where I wanted to be and yet I still wanted him. I couldn't walk away. In many ways it suited me. I didn't want some clingy relationship. Been there, done that with Ed. He had wanted us to walk down the street holding hands. It left me cold. That sort of stuff always did. What we did in private, well, it had fuck all to do with anyone else and yet all he did was push. Just because I wasn't all over him in public meant I didn't care or didn't love him and all of that stuff. He needed more from me. Fuck knows what that was cos he never had the decency to explain as he sloped off after another argument. Said I was emotionally retarded . If only I knew what that was, I could have come back at him with a witty response, but by that point, I was past caring. I let him walk away from me and apart from being lonely a few nights, it didn't mean a thing to me.

And then there was Jackson. I try not to think about him anymore. The sad truth is though, if I close my eyes, every time I try to sleep, I see his eyes staring back at me. Begging me to bring the drink that killed him to his lips. It never leaves me. It's just ripped my heart out and left me like this.

With this. It doesn't get any easier, it just stays the same. Coming back has taught me that. It doesn't matter where I go, who I see or meet. What I try to do. It will never leave me. So, what am I doing now?

"You let me fall asleep?!" He stirs from beside me. I notice his dirty blonde hair hanging slightly over his deep blue eyes. His bare alabaster skinned chest. I try to steady myself but I can't be bothered with niceties

"Yeah!" I reply, my voice sounding deep, husky and hoarse. I don't know how we ended up here again. Time after time, it's the same thing. The same argument. The same itch that needs to be scratched . And yeah, I hate myself for even going there again but isn't that the point? He has the control and yet I want him to have it cos it means I don't have the responsibility. I despise both of us when it gets to that point. Him for having the nerve to actually be in front of me again. Tempting me, those bloody eyes of his staring deeply into mine and me for giving in. For wanting him so desperately that I'd do anything to get him. Where did that come from? I never saw that one coming.

I want to move to get a glass of water but I haven't got the energy to do that. I feel numb. Devoid of all energy. Emotionally spent.

"What time is it?!" He's sitting up now, looking around for his watch

"Just gone eight!" I return, "What difference does it make?!"

"Chrissie will wonder where I am that's what difference it makes!" He goes on, "It was only supposed to be a…"

"Quick fuck!" I finish his sentence for him, letting the words drip from my mouth covered in loaded venom

"You know exactly what this is!" He mentions and I can't even deny it. I roll my eyes. I haven't even got a decent comeback. I wanted him last night. I had him. End of story right? No questions asked and nobody gets hurt . It suits us both. And I don't care about his fiancé or anyone else for that matter. Why should I? I close my eyes and take a deep breath. Lying to myself only pisses me off even more.

"Tell her you broke down, that one always seems to do the trick!" I whisper

"You should have woken me!" He responds

"Not my fault you wore yourself out!" I sigh

"Look, Aaron…" He tries to turn to me, placing his hands on my shoulders as I sit in the bed but I shrug him off, moving away from him. I get out of the bed

"Don't alright!" I turn my back on him, "Go home to her. Aren't you getting married today?!" I mention

"That's the plan!" He sighs

"So get on with it then!" I bite down on my lip so hard, I feel like I might draw blood. I fight an internal battle with myself. Wanting to beg him to stay but also wanting to beat him to a pulp. How can you want someone so much but hate them at the same time. How can I be so fucking weak?

I don't get close to people. That's not what I do and I certainly don't let anyone close enough to actually care about them too. You let people in. They hurt you.

Fact.

I know this and I've still done this to myself. I deserve to sit in that fucking church and watch him marry someone else.

"It doesn't mean the end of us. We've talked about this!" He goes on. He's still making no attempt to leave

"You marry her and that's it!" I bring my hands up to rub over my dark stubble, "I can't do it anymore!" I shrug

"You know as well as I do that's not true so don't even pretend!"

I shake my head. I should knock him out but right now that's the last thing I want to do.

"This will keep happening!" He goes on. "You want me as much as I want you and Chrissie, well, she's just…."

"Gonna be your wife, yeah, I know!" I still can't look at him. I can't look at myself in the mirror these days either. Yeah, I've never been the most moral bloke to walk the planet but this

"It's just so I can get her money, get in with Lawrence, you know that…."

"You can tell yourself all of this if you want…" I begin, "But you're a liar!" I spit as I finally turn around to face him, "You have no fucking intention of leaving her, of not sleeping with her. You just wanna keep me sweet, as your bit on the side as you leap in and out of the closet whenever the mood takes you!"

"So walk away then!" He smirks at me

"No.." I shake my head, "What if someone whispered in her ear about what you've been up to for the past few months?!" I begin

"Like she would believe you!" He goads, "She loves me!" He exclaims, "I'm everything to her. The perfect man. She's never left unsatisfied, if you know what I mean….We're perfect for each other!"

"The perfect beard!" I mutter

"If you like!"

"So, what am I then?!" I ask the question already knowing the reply and it gets to me. It shouldn't. I should be able to walk away but something always lures me back in again

"Something that I can't do without either.." He replies, his blue eyes burning into mine, "It is what it is alright!"

I laugh slightly at his words. They sound like mine. Fuck the consequences. Just do what you want, when you want. Maybe that's what keeps me here. The danger. The fear of getting caught. That no one knows. The sneaking about. The lying. Maybe, after Jackson, that's all I'm worth anyway?!

"Look, I have to go" He's putting his jeans and jumper on and from where I'm standing, I grab his leather jacket and throw it to him

"Have a good day then!" I mumble. I can feel tears build up behind my eyes and there is no way he's gonna see me like that. I turn away from him again.

"It will be alright!" He's up behind me now. I tremble slightly as he wraps both his arms around my bare chest and he buries his face in the crook of my neck

"The whole village is gonna be there!" My voice cracks as I speak, "How can it be alright?!"

"Cos I know what I'm doing that's why!" I can feel his mouth nipping at my neck and my body begins to react to his touch again. I want to tell him to get out and never come back. I want to lose it with him the way I usually do with anyone else that treated me like this. When exactly did I turn into this needy mess?

I don't do anything. I let him kiss my neck, turning me around and pushing his tongue inside my willing, eager mouth. I'm desperate for him and I hate myself for that. It always comes back to that.

That disgust and loathing.

He pulls away from me and I know he can sense that I'm either about to lose it completely or break down and that weakness in me that he can see makes me want to scream. I've got nothing when I'm stood in front of him. It's like he's stripped me bare. How I let that happen is beyond me. The walls are usually so high.

"You have to learn to trust me!" He whispers

I let out a small laugh

"And do you trust me?!" I ask, "Not to turn up at that church today and blow your cover?!"

"You wouldn't…"

I turn away from him again, rolling my tongue around in the side of my mouth. I shake my head,

"Course not!" I sigh, "I'll be at the garage!"

"I'll call you!"

"Don't!" I mouth, "Just go off to Mexico or wherever you're going and have a good time.."

It's taking everything I have but as he leaves I finally let one tear roll down my cheek. Immediately I head to the sink, taking the razor blade out of the kitchen drawer, I cut myself and let myself bleed. The blood trickling out of the cut, cascading down the plughole. I let out a cry of relief as the pain takes over me.


	2. Chapter 2

"Been a while"

I turn to see him stood there. A dark tan covering his skin and features as I nearly drop the monkey wrench that's in my dirty, bandaged hand. He's dressed in black jeans with that leather jacket hanging nonchalantly off his broad shoulders. My stomach flips immediately. Caught between wanting to run up to him and let my body show him how much I've missed him and wanting to throw a punch at him. Violence and a deep lust. Who knew it was what would drive me?

It had been three weeks. Three weeks since I sat alone in my bedroom, ripping chunks out of my arm while he said 'I do' to the woman he claims to love.

Three weeks since I walked up and down my room, walked outside and into the village, up to the church, wanting desperately to go inside and tell everyone in there what he was. What he had been up too. That he didn't deserve Chrissie or any of their respect. I wanted to claim him as my own, tell all of them he had been fucking me, that I knew every inch of his body, intimately.

I wanted to do a lot of things. But did nothing. And as they left the church, I watched them leave.

And I still did nothing.

Functioning under this calm exterior that no one knew anything about. Lost in my own world. Going silently and unreversably insane.

And it wasn't as if there was any reason to it. I couldn't figure it out. The only thing I'd lost was my pride and self-respect. Nobody else knew and if it was just about the sex, well, I could get that from anyone, at any time. All it took was a trip to Bar West.

I didn't know why it hurt so much. It was like the Jackson pain all over again but it was even worse than that. At least with him, I could blame myself. This was something else entirely. Something I had never experienced before. And it was flooring me.

Edna saw me hanging around outside the church that day. Took me back to her place and plied me with a brew. She wanted me to talk, told me that being 'in love' with someone who doesn't feel the same way is a life sentence that she was never freed from. She told me to forget Adam. I laughed when she said that, wanting to open up to her and tell her the truth. I thought she of all people might get the irony. Lawrence's daughter, his pride and joy, marrying a bloke who isn't entirely straight. Just like her mum did. Maybe Edna could give her some tips. Things to look out for? When I started laughing, I couldn't stop and then it turned to tears, tears of exhaustion and she held me and yet never pressed me and asked why.

My heart is beating so fast as I turn to look back at him. It's as if it might even break out of my blue overalls and leap onto the floor. I try to play it cool. It means nothing. I'm not bothered. I raise my eyebrows at him, rolling my tongue around in my mouth, but what can I say to him?

"Get out!" I mutter. It's all I have.

He's walking towards me and I find myself backing away. Why am I doing that? That's not what I do.

I try to order my head and remember who I am. I clench both my fists at the side of me, standing up straight, pumping my heaving chest out

"Don't be like that!" He begins

"Like what?!" I batt it back to him, "Good honeymoon was it? Postcard must have got lost in the post!"

"I missed you!" He continues moving forward and this time, I do move away from him. I walk around the car I'm working on, right round the other side, to keep the distance between us. It feels like there's something in the air between us. It's heavy and crackling and I can't deny that if he gets any closer, I'd have to give in to it.

"I didn't miss you!" I spit the words out, "So, if you don't mind, I'm busy…"

He smirks. That bloody awful, cock-sure arrogant smirk he always gives and this time it's me taking a step towards him. It was like a game of cat and mouse and now I want to wipe that smirk right off his face. If I decked him, He'd leave me alone, I knew that. How many times have people called me a thug who sorts everything out with his fists, well here is my chance to prove it. End it once and for all.

"Unless your car needs sorting!" I add, returning the dirty smirk with interest

"That's not what needs sorting" He grins again and I take another step towards him, my chest heaving with anger, desire and fucking lust. I have never wanted him more.

"Fucking do one!" I hiss out the words between my teeth

"You knew I was marrying her!" He raises his voice slightly

"I mean it"

"It could have hardly come as a shock!"

"Three weeks!" I yell in a sudden uncontrollable rage, "Three fucking weeks and nothing. No text message, nothing and you walk in here and what? What do you want?!"

"To say sorry!" He goes on, his voice softening. I look at him again and he seems genuinely taken back by what I was saying, like he expected to walk in here and me to be ok with him.

"Sorry!" I roll my eyes again, "You've got nothing to be sorry about though have you? Like you say, I knew you were getting married. You owe me nothing. So are we done here?!"

I go to walk away, but his hands are on my shoulders turning me towards him and I feel it again, that current running between us.

"No we're not done!" He pleads, "Will you just listen to me!"

I turn away from him again, going to the front of the garage to shut the door shut. Turning the key quickly to lock it, I turn to him again.

"You've got my attention!" I mumble, "What is it, just make it quick alright!"

"I don't know if I can!" He stutters, putting his hand up to his head to rub across his brow

"Well let me make it easy for you then!" I yell, "We had a thing. You got married. It ends here!" I state

"It can't end!" He shakes his head, "That's what I've come to say, what I needed to tell you. I've missed you. Missed us, missed being with you!"

I find myself smiling, shaking my head as again I turn away from him. His eyes lie so much it's hard not to be taken in. His voice sound sincere and it makes me stumble

"You're unbelievable!" I sigh

"I mean it!"

"You're married!" I fire back at him, "You've got a wife and you know what? She's alright, I actually like her. You don't bloody deserve her that's for sure.."

"I know!"

"You can't have everything. You can't get out of her bed and into mine. It doesn't work like that!" I go on

"Says who?!" He bats back in a flash

"Me!" I scream. The word punctures the air as again he moves closer to me

"I thought you understood!" He says calmly, "I thought you got me, that you knew how hard it was for me to accept who I am, what I am.."

"Well you thought wrong then didn't you!" I mutter, rubbing my hands down my fully grown dark beard, "It was just about the sex!" I lie and how I wish I meant it. I close my eyes as I feel him inch closer once more. I can feel him, hear his breath, his breathing pattern and my heart races again

"It would be easier to walk away if I didn't feel like this!" He goes on as I hold my breath slightly, I study the marks on my arms, the evidence of the pain and I want to scream at him

"Like what?!" I ask tentatively

"It's different with Chrissie!" he goes on

"I'm really not interested mate!" I bat back

"But it's you. You that I want and you that I think about every minute of every day" I shake my head at his words. I should throw him out of here now. I should but I don't

"I'm in love with you!" He goes on.

If I'm honest, he had me at 'Been a while' . The rest was what? Banter, foreplay? I'm acting completely on impulse as I grab him by the collar of his leather jacket, throwing him roughly up against the wall of the garage.

I crash my lips against his pink glistening ones, forcing my tongue inside his. I'm fighting with him. Our tongues ploughing hotly inside and dancing, fighting for supremacy as I fight with his belt buckle, never breaking the contact between our mouths.

Our chests are heaving together, he feels so good, makes me feel so alive as his breath matches mine and our rough, demanding kiss breaks. I push him over the car bonnet that I have been working on, yanking his trousers down before doing the same to mine. I'm so hard, so desperate for him, I can hardly wait any longer before I push myself into him. He cries out. I don't know if it's in pain or pleasure and to be honest because of the three weeks I've been without him, I don't even care. I kiss his neck, wanting to bite down hard on his tanned skin. Marking him as mine but I resist that temptation. I thrust myself into him as both of out breathing becomes ragged, taking my time at first, slow, sharp movements and then I pick up the pace, forcing myself inside of him, slapping my balls against his tight arse as I knock the breath out of both of us. It's hard and verging on the violent but I need it to be like this. There's something in me that needs to punish him for the last few weeks. The distance and the pain and I keep going until I have nothing else to give. Grabbing his cock with my hand to pump it in time with my thrusts.

We lie there together for a while before I move to sort myself out. We've never been into 'cuddles' and I don't kiss him again. I kind of want him to leave. I don't even want him to justify his lie.

"I've gotta get on!" I mention

"You're not even gonna ask me about it?!" He asks, pulling up his trousers, tucking himself back in

"About the honeymoon?" I purse my lips together

"About what I said!" He sighs, putting his leather jacket back on

"About you saying you love me to get me back into bed!" I whisper, my voice sounding hoarse

"I'd hardly call it bed!" His eyes twinkle as he speaks directing them back over to the car bonnet

"It doesn't matter!" I shake my head, "You were right, It's gonna keep happening again!"

"I meant it!" He goes on

"Right!" I nod my head, unsure of how to respond

"You're not gonna say it back then?!" He asks as I look away from him, shaking my head, "You don't have to!" He hastily adds

I want to tell him that everyone who gets close to me ends up getting hurt. I want to but I don't. I don't tell him I love him either. I can't say those words out loud. I don't even know if I do and I'm pretty sure he doesn't love me. He just used it to weaken me cos that was all he had at that moment to get what he wanted out of me. But I wanted it too. I wanted him.

That's not love.

I know I need him. I fancy him. I want him but I don't trust him. There are at times I hate him and everything he stands for but there are also times when I understand him. When I know how difficult it is to fight against yourself and your desires and just want a normal life. He makes me feel wanted. Like for the time we're together, I'm not that bad. I'm not just a thug with a suspended jail sentence hanging over him. That I matter. He makes me feel alive.

I go over to the door to open it, holding it open for him to leave.

"Go home!" I whisper, "Your wife will be waiting"

"You know I'd rather be with you!" He smirks again and now I do want to wipe that smug grin off his face

"Don't!" I shake my head, "Just go home…."

His hand brushes mine as he walks past me and leaves and I watch him go and I feel it again. That spark, the desire and want building up inside of me. It's never enough. It never will be enough.

"Was that Robert?!" Dan has crept up on me as I'm still studying his arse walking away from me. I grunt a response as I ready myself for more lies.


End file.
